Based on the 32 spam messages that I received over the past 48 hours, I've discovered the following:
42% of the senders feel that my penis is too small (how did they know?!). They guarantee that I can "make her grin with a larger male organ."
29% are confirming my online prescription order. I must have ordered Alzheimer's medication, because I don't recall placing any orders.
23% are sharing their passwords with me for porn sites. I figure these folks must have spoken with the 42% above and decided that, with my shameful dimensions, I'm constantly dateless and hence in excessive need for porn.
6% are anxious to give me hot tips on stocks and "the finest Replica watches."
Out of curiosity, I opened one of the emails offering me a free porn password:
Of course, these people who claim to know such intimate details of my life--like my substandard wiener--should know that I judge the quality of porn sites by their adherence to standard rules of English grammar. I mean, c'mon!